Deep Down I Still Love You
by pixies114
Summary: When Suze is unable to bring Jesse out of the corridor she feels she can never love someone again. But when she turns to Paul things change and finds herself in love again. But does she truely love Paul?
1. Prologue

**Hey everyone I have another story for you. This story was sort of inspired my a dream I had. I told it to my one friend and she said it would make a great Mediator story...so here you go. I hope you like it. A/N: This story will be set in Suze's POV.**

_Prologue- Flashback….Six and a half Years Earlier_

"I'm not leaving without you Jesse. Please I'm nothing without you!" I cry as I'm being dragged out of the foggy corridor. I can't leave him here no matter how hard I'm being forced to.

"Susannah, please. You'll be fine without me. You'll move on to someone who for one thing is alive and who can love you." Jesse took my hands in his and kissed them fiercely. This makes me cry. I try holding back the tears but I can't. First, Jesse gets unintentionally exorcised and now when I try to take him out of this place, I find out that I can't.

"I will never ever love someone as much as I love you. Even if I find someone else." I kiss his cheek and pull him to me my tears falling heavy and hard. "I love you Jesse. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." He pulls away and looks at me. Then out of no where he kisses me, gently. After a few seconds it gets harder and I snake my arms around his neck to pull him closer to me. His hands cup my cheeks and I feel tears on his face as well as mine.

We broke apart and he whispered 'I love you querida' and let me go. I watched very blurry eyed as Jesse walked farther down the corridor…into the place they told me not to go. The light. I looked down at the watch Father D gave me. One minute left…uh-oh. Tears still streaming down my face, I ran to the hole I came through and could see the church again. Then I felt myself falling.

---XX---

"Susannah are you okay??" I open my eyes slowly and realized I was back in my own body again. I tested my arms and legs to make sure I was okay. Thankfully, still in one piece, I carefully sat up Father D supporting me. I realized then there were still two other people with him…Jack and Paul Slater. Then everything that just happened reoccurred in my mind. _Jesse. Gone. Into light. _

Before I knew it, tears were falling from my face again. Father D just looked at me. "Susannah what happened? Are you okay? Where's Jesse?"

I looked at him through my tears. "He's g-gone," I managed to choke out. "I couldn't bring him back. He w-went int-to the l-light." I was sobbing by then. Father D wrapped me in a tight hug. Jack put his hand on my shoulder. I was still fuming that he exorcised Jesse, but it really wasn't his fault. Maria tricked him, he didn't know better.

After I was able to control my tears a little, Father D let go of me. "I'm so sorry Susannah," was all he said and started to leave the church.

I looked at Jack and Paul and slowly got up and walked out of the church. Feeling another around of tears coming, I walked faster. I can't let anyone see me like this.

"Suze, wait! Please." I turned around slowly realizing Paul was running after me.

"What do you want Paul? I'm not in the mood right now," I said beginning to get blurry eyed again.

He looked at me, hands shoved into his pockets. "I just…wanted to say that… I'm sorry. About Jesse, I mean. You really must have loved him to go through all of that to try and get him back."

I looked at Paul. Despite the fact that he left me for almost death in that corridor, I needed someone right now. And what he said is and will be the sweetest thing he'll probably ever say to me, to any girl really. I ran to him and he enclosed me in this arms. "Shh, its okay. I'm here for you. It's going to be okay." We continued to hold me tight as I stained his shirt with tears.

Will it though? Will everything ever be okay without Jesse? And can I and will I ever find someone to replace Jesse?

**Well that's the Prologue. I hope it was okay. The next chapter will be up as soon as I can. School is really busy right now since we're only going into the third week. So when I have some time i'll write and get the next chapter uploaded. TTYL XD**


	2. I Try To Forget

**Well here it is!! Sorry I took so long to write it. I had writers block and school was crazy. But I finally had some time to write and the block is now gone. Well I hope you like it!!**

_Six Years Later- Present_

"Suze! Come on, we're going to be late for dinner! We can't keep the parentals waiting!" Paul screamed to me from the living room of my apartment.

If you're confused, let me fill you in. About two years ago, I agreed to go on one date with Paul Slater. He kept asking and asking and I figured that by saying yes I'd get him to shut up. Well, I surprised myself by actually having a great time. We went to dinner, then a movie, and then he took me for a walk. We talked and got to know each other again. So after that, one date turned into two, then three, and so on.

We became a couple and I became happy again. He made me smile and I loved his company. Paul may have been a jerk in high school yes its true. But, now he's better. Not perfect, but he's improved. That's why I agreed to marry him. The only thing I refuse to do is move in with him. Not until we're married. Right now I want my space.

Yes, I can tell you're shocked. Well, over these long years I've grown to love him. He's good to me and I couldn't ask for anything better in my life. So, that's all you missed. I hope you're caught up now.

After checking my make- up in the mirror one last time I flew down the stairs.

"Hey! Sorry, about that. I had to make sure I looked okay," I said blushing a little.

Paul laughed and smiled at me, "Suze, you always look great," he said giving me a light kiss on the mouth. "You're beautiful. Now we can't keep our parents waiting. Let's go."

---XX---

Once dinner with Paul's parents and my parents was over, we went back to my place for coffee. After pouring hot coffee into two mugs, I took them into the living room where Paul was sitting on the couch. I set mine down on the table and handed him his.

"Thanks babe," he said putting an arm around me as I sat down next to him.

"Sure. So do you think our parents were mad when we told them the wedding date was changed?" I asked sipping the coffee. We were supposed to have it a year from now, but we both didn't want to wait so its now in a month. Paul, I know just wanted to get the wedding part over so we could go on our honeymoon… do I need explain the rest there? As for me, I just want to be married already. This whole planning the wedding thing and picking put center pieces and stuff just stresses me out.

Paul looked at me. "Probably. But hey its our wedding not there's. So, we had the right to change it if we wanted to. Stop worrying your little head off."

I smiled at him and leaned in to kiss him. After I pulled away, he drew me back in kissed me hard on the lips. Paul is definitely a great kisser I will admit that. As soon as our lips crashed, I completely forgot all of my worries. I couldn't help but let out a sigh.

Paul smiled into the kiss and pulled me closer, snaking his arms around my back. I brought him closer, my fingers going through his soft hair. He leaned in more making me fall backwards into the couch, and him on top of me. As he started to deepen the kiss more, I started to think back to six years ago. The night Jesse…disappeared. The only other person to kiss me like this was Jesse and now kissing Paul the same way just felt……odd. Don't get me wrong, it was great but I just felt, weird about it. Almost like I was cheating on Jesse or something. Even though, I know that he's gone.

I suddenly broke away from Paul and pushed him upward so we were both sitting on the couch again.

"What's wrong?" Paul asked a little breathless with a confused look on his face.

"Nothing, its just… getting late and I have to get to bed," I replied back with the quickest thing I could think of.

Paul looked at me again a little disappointed and sighed. "Okay. Well then I better get going." I could only give him a nod. "Yeah," I said quietly.

I lead him to the door. "Goodnight," I said to him and tried to smile.

Paul's eyes bored into mine. "Goodnight babe. See you tomorrow. I love you." He leaned in once more and brushed his lips lightly on mine.

"I love you too," I said back and waved as he got into his car and left.

After Paul pulled away, I went upstairs and took a long hot shower to calm my nerves down a little. Afterwards, I put on my PJs and went into my bedroom. But, before I laid down though, I reached under my pillow and pulled out a small photograph. It was the one of Jesse that I 'borrowed' from the historical center all those years back.

Looking at it made a few tears slip from my eyes. Remember earlier when I told you that I was happy again? Well I sort of lied. Yes, I'm happy that I'm marrying Paul. But, there's one thing that I can't get over. That's Jesse. I try everyday not to think of him, but know matter how hard I try, I can't seem to get him out of my head. I know it doesn't help that I still keep the picture under my pillow. But, by doing this, I feel close to him… like he's here next to me.

I continue to look at the picture a few more minutes. Before I put it back under my pillow I quietly whisper, "I love you Jesse. Forever and always."

As a put the picture back and laid down in bed I could have sworn I heard the word 'querida' fill the room.

**Well what did you think? Good, bad, iffy?? Review and let me know. The next chapter will be up soon. Sorry if takes me forever to update again. But I promise it will get up soon.**


	3. IMPORTANT PLEASE READ! AUTHOR'S NOTE

**The following insert is an Author's Note. Please read!!! IMPORTANT!!**

**Okay everyone I'm sorry to say that this obviously isn't a chapter. But, I have major writer's block for this story and I'm going insane. For the next chapter, I was going to have Suze have to pick the flowers she wants for the wedding. But, I'm stuck as to which ones to use. And, I can't write the chapter unless I know. I'm tying it in with how the flowers she picks are the ones that Jesse always got her but I can't decide. I've narrowed it down to four choices. And… I need YOUR help!! I put a poll on my profile with the choices. So, if you want to help me get out of this rut I'm in, please look at the poll and cast your vote. The faster you vote, the faster I can get the next chapter up!**

**Thank you!**

**~pixies114~**

**And thanks to all those who have been patient with me through this process! I love you all =]**


	4. Flowers From Hell and Heaven

**YAY!! I finally came out of the writer's block and here's the chapter you've long awaited for. And thank you to all those who took the poll on my profile. The winner was Orchids, but you have to read the chapter to find out what color. LOL. So I hope you like the chapter. I wrote during my english class.**

"Well, which flowers do you want? Come on Suze," CeeCee whined. "It doesn't take that long to decide!"

I think I'm about ready to kill something. Today, CeeCee decided to surprise me by taking me to a local flower shop to pick flowers for the church, recpetion etc. You'd think I'd be having the time of my life right? Well, it's the exact opposite. I had no idea how many different flowers there were. I thought there were just names like Roses, Sunflowers... you get the point. I had no idea there were different types within the flower. This just shows how often I buy them. The answer to that is never if you didn't get that.

I turned to CeeCee, my head aching from the strong smell of pollen and the sweet nectar coming from everywhere at once. "CeeCee can't you just pick? I'm no good at this. Can't I just use fake ones? No one will notice."

CeeCee looked at me with irritated eyes. "Suze, as your maid of honor it's my job to help make your wedding amazing. And I'm certainly not letting you have fake flowers. Why the hell would anyone want to have fake flowers at a wedding? Good lord!"

"Miss," the store owner looked at me. I could tell she wanted me to hurry along so she could go home. "The store closes in 15 minutes. If you don't know what you would like, I can schedule another meeting for tomorrow." She continued to stare at me, probably hoping that I was just going to do that. But I'm about to ruin her mood. I'm going to pick something today whether I want to or not. I refuse to have to go through this process again.

I continued to look at all the different flowers in the shop…and instantly I'm stuck again. "Um…do you have like a book or a list or something of all the flowers you have here?" The owner nodded slowly and went into the back room. CeeCee sighed extremely loud and threw her hands up in the air in frustration.

I scowled at her, disapproving her action. "Well, I'm sorry if I'm using your precious time up. But this was YOUR idea to do this you know."

"Yeah I know," she said, sounding irritated. "But, honestly this can't be that hard for you. I mean, didn't you used to think about your dream wedding when you were little?"

I shook my head. "No not really. I just figured it would all come to me. But obviously that didn't happen now did it?"

CeeCee rolled her eyes at me. "That is just the saddest thing I've ever heard. I've had everything planned out for mine since I was thirteen. Like, I want my bridesmaids to wear a light green colored dress. And I want to have pink roses" she looked at me, knowing what I was thinking. "Don't even think about having pink roses. I called that years ago."

"Fine." I said. "But you see, I'm not that kind of person that plans things ahead of time. I do everything last minute, you know that."

CeeCee was about to deny that but changed her mind and nodded agreeing with me. I laughed at that. And yeah I wasn't lying about that either. I do put everything off. Especially when it's something I don't want to do…LIKE PICKING OUT FLOWERS!!!

Finally the owner comes back to the counter holding a list with three columns of exceedingly small print. "Thanks, hopefully this might help." The woman nodded.

I glanced down at the list, squinting my eyes a little due to the small print. Suddenly, seeing the word 'Orchid' on the list, made me have a flashback from years ago. It was when Jesse was still…with us. He always used to ask me what kind of flowers I liked. Never knowing, I always said I didn't know and that he should just pick for me. Then one day I came home from school to find two beautiful purple orchids lying on my pillow. I carefully picked them up and inhaled their sweet, intoxicating scent. Under them there was a note from Jesse: These remind me of you, lovely in every way. I love you – Jesse.

After thinking about that I made up my mind. "I have a question," I said to the owner. "I'd like the church to be filled with orchids. They're on the list. Do you still carry them?" The woman nodded and CeeCee looked almost relieved.

"So orchids it is then," the woman said happily. "Do you know what color?"

I smiled still thinking of Jesse, "Purple, please." I said as the woman nodded and went into the back again to get papers for me to fill out my order. CeeCee then turned to me, looking confused.

"You know, out of all the flowers in the world you picked orchids? I mean don't get me wrong, I'm relieved as hell that you finally made a decision, but I just want to know…why purple orchids?"

I looked at CeeCee and smiled thoughtfully, "I don't know. I just think that they're lovely." CeeCee nodded acting like she understood what I was talking about. But, I knew that she was actually confused as hell on the inside.

After placing my order for the purple orchids and light lavender tulips for the bouquets (those were CeeCee's choice) we left the store and set off for home. As I was driving, I continued to think about that note Jesse gave to me all those years ago. _Jesse,_ I said to myself, _I picked them just for you. _

I know Jesse couldn't obviously hear my thoughts, but knowing him, he was probably watching the whole thing from above with an immense smile on his face. I smiled thinking that too. _I picked them for you._

**Well, how was it? I promise that it won't take me this long again to write. LOL Review and let me know your thoughts.**


	5. I Hate Being Woken Up

**Okay, I was finally able to get another chapter up. My life has been absolutely insane these past few months. So excuse me if I went too long again before updating. Anyway I hope you like this chapter. ENJOY**

"_I will never ever love someone as much as I love you. Even if I find someone else." I kiss his cheek and pull him to me my tears falling heavy and hard. "I love you Jesse. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." He pulls away and looks at me. Then out of no where he kisses me, gently. After a few seconds it gets harder and I snake my arms around his neck to pull him closer to me. His hands cup my cheeks and I feel tears on his face as well as mine._

_We broke apart and he whispered 'I love you querida' and let me go. I watched very blurry eyed as Jesse walked farther down the corridor…into the place they told me not to go. The light. I looked down at the watch Father D gave me. One minute left…uh-oh. Tears still streaming down my face, I ran to the hole I came through and could see the church again. Then I felt myself falling._

---XX---

I sit up in bed, drenched in sweat and shaking uncontrollably. This is the fourth time this month I've had this dream or should I say nightmare. The day that Jesse disappeared from my life still haunts me everyday and now every night when I sleep. After my shaking and breathing calms back down, I realize that my alarm is blasting in my ear. Shaking my head, trying to rid my mind of the nightmare…and Jesse, I reach to over to my night stand to grab the singing phone.

After shutting off the alarm, I see that CeeCee had sent me a text message. Wondering why she would send me a text at eight in the morning, I hit the 'read' button and I was instantly annoyed. She sent me the following text… 'Suze today's the DAY!' I have absolutely no idea what the hell she was talking about. So, without responding back, I placed my phone back on the nightstand and curled up under my covers. Only then, not even 5 seconds go by, my phone starts wailing my ringtone; Already Over by Red **(A/N: This is also my ringtone). **I moan angrily into my pillow and again reached for my phone. Seeing that its CeeCee…yet again… I hit the accept button to talk to her, figuring if I don't she won't leave me alone.

"Hi CeeCee," I said, irritation in my voice. God I hate when I'm woken up and I don't have to be.

I hear CeeCee sigh heavily into her phone. "Suze did you get my text??"

I rolled my eyes and sighed, really not wanting to talk at the moment. "Yeah, I got it. But you didn't even tell me anything important which is why I didn't respond."

"SUZE HOW COULD YOU FORGET!!!" she screamed so loud I had to pull my phone away from my ear. "What are you talking about CeeCee…just freaking tell me already so I can go back to bed," I shouted, now feeling extremely aggravated.

"Susannah Simon, how in god's name could you forget that your BRIDAL SHOWER is today?! Isn't that important enough for you to remember?"

Ugh, the words "Bridal" and "Shower" make me want to throw my phone out the window. Honestly, if it totally up to me, I wouldn't even have one. I can buy all the crap I want on my own thank you very much. But according to CeeCee, I can't go without having one, so she planned the whole thing… which is scaring me. I told her I didn't want anything too girly. I mean I may dress like a girly girl most of the time, but hey I like wearing black and other dark non girly things every once in a while.

I just sighed, surrendering to CeeCee's shouting, "Yes, Yes CeeCee it is important to me."

"Well good," she said. "Anyway, everything's almost all set. I have to meet the cater at the hall at nine. After that, I'll come and pick you up…say around tenish. Is that okay?"

Actually, I would have honestly rather drove myself but one: I have no idea where this place is…and two: CeeCee knows that if she didn't drive me, I wouldn't show up. "Alright," I sighed again, "I'll see you at ten." After getting an 'okay' from her, CeeCee hung up and then I went back under the sheets, even though I was too pissed now to sleep.

---XX---

At, around nine, I finally dragged myself out of bed and started to get ready. I didn't even know what the hell I was supposed to wear. The only shower I remember going to is my mom's but it wasn't even fancy. According to CeeCee, this is going to be formal and I have to dress up…or she said she'd kill me. So I searched through my closet for about fifteen minutes looking for something that was approvable in CeeCee's eyes. I finally found a strapless, black, satin dress that went to my knees and had red and white flowers on it. I paired it with a short- sleeved black shrug and black heels.

After finishing my make- up and curling my hair, I went and looked into my mirror. "Well, this will have to do," I said to myself.

Just as I was gathering my purse and throwing all of my stuff into it, I hear a loud knock on my door. Figuring it was CeeCee, I took one last look in the mirror, throwing on some last minute lip- gloss, and flew down the stairs and opened the door.

"Hi CeeCee," I said to her, hoping she'd hear my irritation. She looked me up and down examining my choice of outfit. After a few seconds, she smiled and started nodding…so I was thankful I wouldn't have to go and change.

"Yeah, you'll do. Come on, you are NOT going to be late for your own shower."

"Why can't I be? It can't start without me anyway. I am the bride you know," I mumbled as I walked out the door and followed her to her car.

CeeCee looked at me and rolled her eyes. "Suze honestly, you can be so annoying sometimes. But, I promise you'll have a good time once you're there," she assured me, but I didn't believe her.

Once we were in the car, CeeCee said that it would be at least a half hour drive to the hall where this was being held. Thank god, I thought to myself. I can't doze for a while. But that thought only lasted for about another minute. CeeCee went on for almost the whole ride about different decisions that still needed to be made for the wedding. I just sat there and listened, not even wanting to think about all of that yet. I only wanted to get today over with.

At last, CeeCee pulled her car into the parking lot of what I assumed was the hall, and squeaked "We're here!"

As soon as I got out of the car, CeeCee told me I had to close my eyes and that I wasn't aloud to peak until she said so. Before I knew it, I was being dragged forward and through two doors. Then we stopped.

"Go ahead," CeeCee said, "Open your eyes."

And the sight before me was even more shocking than I would have thought.

**Oh know what did CeeCee do? Will Suze like what she sees or hate it?? Lol anyway review and let me know what you thought and I'll get the next chapter up as soon as I can. **


	6. Showers and Jesse

**Yay I finally finished this chapter. It didn't take me as long to update this time =] I hope you like it everyone!**

**And thank you to everyone who reviewed for my previous chapters. They are greatly appreciated!**

"Whoa," That was all that I was able to produce from my mouth. I was completely shocked at what was in front of me.

CeeCee looked over at me with a smile of nervousness and a little pride on her face. "Well," she squeaked. "What do you think?"

I was stunned; the room was nothing how I pictured it. I thought she'd go over- board with pink and lace. But, it was the complete opposite. There were light purple and black table clothes on the tables all spread out so the purples and blacks varied throughout the room. On top of the tables were simple, plain white candles with little green vines entwining in between them that brought some accent to the tables. And all along the walls were light purple and black balloons. Exactly how I wanted my shower, plain and simple but with the colors of the wedding…light purple or lavender and black for those of you who didn't figure that out.

CeeCee looked at my shocked face again and her smile started to falter. "You don't like it do you."

"No I…" I was completely speechless. I honestly couldn't think of anything to say. "I….I love it. It's completely…well…me. No poofy girly pinks or lace or anything. I like that there's no pink did I mention that?"

As I started to weave through the tables observing everything that was laid out before me, CeeCee began to laugh. "But of course it is. Did you honestly think I would make everything frilly and lacey and pink? I know you better than that…and I know if I tried you would have killed me." CeeCee, was right, she did know me too well.

As I continued to inspect the room, CeeCee told me everything that was going to happen today for the shower. She said that everyone would probably start arriving at around eleven thirty. After everyone was here, we'd eat a very "formal" lunch, which was chicken parmesan with a side salad and red wine to drink. For dessert, the guests could just go up to a dessert table and pick out what they would like. Yeah I know, the only formal thing about this lunch is the wine. But I guess it's formal to CeeCee. Then she started explaining how I was to open my gifts.

"CeeCee, honestly can't I just take them home and open them myself…….._alone_?"

"Oh stop spoiling the fun Suze, "CeeCee scowled. "You are to sit at the center of the room in this chair and open them to show everyone. I'll be behind you writing down what you got and who it's from so you and Paul can send thank yous to everyone. Now, stop whining!"

See this is the part I find extremely stupid. I would sincerely rather just pile all the unopened gifts in CeeCee's car, take them home, and open them on my own. Actually, I'd rather just go out and buy my own China, and crock pots or whatever crap people buy the bride for her shower. But apparently CeeCee made up a gift registry for me in like four different stores and all the guests that are coming today have known this for months. So I have to wait to buy stuff that wasn't already bought.

Around eleven thirty almost on the dot, guests started arriving. A lot of them were my family like my mom, a few aunts, and a couple cousins. Others were just old family friends I used to hang with and people CeeCee and I went to school with, but it's been so long since I've talked to any of them I felt awkward being there with them. Thankfully she didn't invite Kelly Prescott…we may be out of high school now, but we still don't talk and never will again. But, once everyone was seated, the awkwardness went away and everyone seemed to be enjoying themselves.

Finally, CeeCee and I announced that lunch was served buffet styled, so everyone went up to the table and started taking chicken and such from the trays.

"This is very lovely Susie," My mom said as we sat down at one of the tables. Yeah, years later and she still calls me Susie. But, she's the only one in this world who's still allowed to call me that.

"Thanks mom, but you should really be praising CeeCee. She planned this whole thing," I said looking over at CeeCee who was now starting to blush.

"It wasn't that hard," CeeCee said. "I know Suze didn't want anything extravagant so it wasn't too difficult to put everything together." My mom smiled and continued eating.

The food was actually very delicious. CeeCee had hired a local cater to prepare our food, which made me a little nervous. But, everything turned out to be amazing. The wine was quite tasty as well. This I worried about as well because CeeCee has the worst tastes in wines. She likes the real cheap bottles that are extremely tart tasting and way too strong. But this stuff wasn't that strong and it went very well with the chicken.

After everyone was basically through eating CeeCee lead me to the center of the room.

"CeeCee, honestly, why are you making me do this?" I wined really not wanting open the gifts in front of everyone.

"Because," CeeCee scowled. "Its tradition to open everything at the shower… and because I said so." I backed off grudgingly.

The next hour and a half was spent opening about 62 presents with CeeCee writing it all down. The stuff I received wasn't too bad, but since there was so much of it, I worried how we were going to fit it all in CeeCee's little car. Most of the stuff like the china, wine glasses, silver-wear etc was all packaged in thick boxes so I was afraid we'd have to make two trips.

"Don't worry Suze," CeeCee said. "Your mom offered to help with the rest of the stuff. Besides she wanted to talk to you anyway." I wondered why she didn't say anything here, but I guess she wants the conversation to be private.

After saying a bunch of thank yous and good byes to all the guests there, CeeCee, my mom, and I packed up the two cars and drove back to my house. Once everyone was pulled into my small driveway, I unlocked my front door and we started unloading everything.

"Where do you want us to set everything Susie?" My mom asked huffing as she walked into my house.

"Yes, please Suze! Can't we set this stuff down now? Some of these boxes weigh a freaking ton!" CeeCee screamed, looking like she was about to fall over.

"Just set everything in the living room." I said putting down a set of gifts on the coffee table. Both CeeCee and my mom sets the boxes down and let out sighs of relief.

"Well if that's all you need Suze, I'm gonna head out." CeeCee said looking warn out from carrying stuff.

"Okay," I said walking over to her. "Thanks again for the shower. It was perfect," I hugged her and walked her to the door.

"I'm glad you liked it. Call you tomorrow." CeeCee said as she went to her car.

After CeeCee drove away, I walked back into my house and sat on the couch next to my mom. "Well mom, CeeCee said you wanted to talk to me. What's up?" I asked worriedly thinking that something was wrong with one of my brothers or Andy.

My mom, seeing my worried face started laughing, "Oh stop with the worried look Susie it's nothing bad. I just wanted to give you this." She handed me an old scrapbook. On the cover it had a picture of me, CeeCee, and Adam. It was the scrapbook I had made to remember my high school years.

"Found it while I was cleaning the attic," my mom said. "I thought maybe you'd want it back."

I hugged her tightly, "Thanks mom."

"You're welcome Susie. Well I guess I better go. You have a lot of un-boxing to do," she said pointing to the pile of gifts.

I walked her to the door and watched her drive away. When I got back in the house, I sat on the couch again to look at the scrapbook, not wanting to worry about the gifts at the moment.

The book was filled with a tone of pictures of me with CeeCee and Adam from my junior and senior thing was filled with so many memories. When I came to the last page of the book, I was immediately driven to tears. It was a picture of Jesse's grave that I had taken when it was installed the cemetery. Next to it was a copy of the picture of Jesse that I kept underneath my pillow. There was an inscription that was badly written by me. It said _this is Jesse de Silva: my love. Gone but will never leave my heart._

The tears take over me. "I miss you Jesse," I say to the silence of my house. "And you are still in my heart everyday."

After an hour of crying, I managed to fall asleep on the couch. But I wake up later smiling, having just dreamt about Jesse. _Yes, _I think to myself_, you'll never leave my heart._

**Sorry if the ending was a little sad, but that's how I saw it in my head. So how was it? Review and let me know. **


	7. Packages, Rehearsal, and Memories

**Okay I think this is my longest chapter yet lol! This chapter is written in part like things, hence the length of it. I didn't want to squeeze all of it together or make three separate exceedingly small chapters so I split it, but its all still one chapter obviously. Well, I hope you enjoy it...I've been writing this in my free time at school so I hope its okay =]**

It's now been about a week and a half since the shower CeeCee had thrown for me and I still didn't unpack any of the boxes that contained all of the gifts Paul and I received. I really didn't feel like unpacking any of them but I guess I probably should since tomorrow is my wedding. _WHOA WHAT?!!_

_HOLY SHIT, _I thought to myself, everything starting to kick in._ My wedding is tomorrow. I'm marrying Paul!!!_

After the shock of that abrupt thought went away, I cranked up my stereo and start to slowly unpack all of the gifts. While doing the unpacking, I started to think about tomorrow. I wasn't really nervous about getting married… I know he loves me and that he'll take good care of me, hopefully anyway. But I actually never thought that I'd marry _Paul_… of all people.

As I continued to think and unpack, the doorbell rang which made me jump at its loudness. I got up from sitting on the floor and realized that I was completely surrounded by boxes and wrappings. Carefully walking over all of the stuff, trying not to trip and fall on my face, I finally got to the door.

After opening it, I was immediately greeted with a kiss. "Hey babe," Paul said entering my house.

"Hi," I said in surprise. "What are you doing here?" He was supposed to be out with his brother picking up their tuxes for tomorrow.

"I just dropped Jack off at my parents and thought I'd come and see my bride- to- be," he flashed me a crooked smile.

I smiled back at him and kissed him again. "Well, since you're here," I said pulling away, "You can do me a huge favor."

Paul got a mischievous look on face and right away I knew what he was thinking. "Well," he said with a very husky voice, "What do you need me to do?"

I took his hand and pulled him into the living room…instantly his shoulders dropped and appeared disappointed. "What the hell is all this? Did you rob a department store or something?"

I swatted him on the head and laughed, "No stupid, its gifts from my shower. If you don't mind, I'd like you to take all those boxes," I said pointing to one end of the living room, "And put them out for the garbage."

He sighed heavily and shook his head. "You only started un-wrapping these NOW?" he said as he started to collect a load of empty boxes.

"Well I was busy with other stuff," I said. "And plus you know I can't stand unpacking stuff. When I first moved into this house, it took me over four months to finally get everything straightened out."

Paul rolled his eyes and kissed my cheek, "And that's one of the many reasons why I love you," whispered as he walked out to relieve the boxes.

While he was outside, I started taking the dishes and other dining things to the kitchen. After coming home from our honeymoon, Paul would move into my house, so I figured I'd get a head start in putting stuff away. I didn't have a China cabinet so even the good dishes and utensils that we'd received were going into cupboards. As I was finishing putting away everything, I jumped at the feel of arms snake around my waist.

"Jesus you scared me!" I said laughing.

Paul's laughter filled my ears. "Sorry about that. So," he started again, "Are you ready for the rehearsal dinner tonight?"

"Yeah, pretty much. I just have to figure out what I'm going to wear and how to do my hair and stuff." Paul smiled and brushed his lips against mine.

"Well I'm sure whatever you do you'll look beautiful…like always." I smiled, cupped his face with my hands, and brought his lips to mine again. Almost instantly, Paul began to deepen the kiss. His arms went around my waist, pulling me closer. His mouth moved rhythmically with mine as I dragged my arms up his chest and around his neck. He rapidly picked me up and set me down on the kitchen counter so he didn't have to bend anymore to reach me. He brought me closer to him as I wrapped my legs around his waist. It was complete bliss….but yet again…..

I pulled away breathing heavily; our foreheads touching.

Paul looked at me with a concerned face, "Are you okay?" He asked still gasping a little.

"Yeah," I whispered. "I just.....I still have some stuff to do before the dinner tonight."

Paul looked at me again and sighed, "Right, me too. Well, I guess I'll leave you to do whatever then. I'll be back at around six okay?"

I swallowed hard and nodded, "Kay," I whispered.

We untangled from each other and I walked him to the door. Before leaving Paul looked deeply into my eyes, "I love you."

I kissed him softly again and gave him a small smile, "Love you, too." With that, Paul got into his car and drove out of my driveway.

After shutting the door behind me, I slowly walked back to the living room and collapsed on the couch. _What is wrong with me?_ I thought to myself. Every time Paul and I get into it, something inside me pulls me back. This hasn't just been happening lately, its all the time. Its almost like my head feels love for Paul...but my heart is still feeling for Jesse. All of this thinking must have been too much for my brain to handle because the next thing I know, the clock on my cable box read four thirty. Paul was supposed to pick me up at six.

"Shit!" I shrieked jumping off the couch.

I quickly rushed upstairs to my bathroom and got into the shower. After, I wrapped myself into my robe and quickly dried my hair. Finally getting through with that, I searched through my closet for a dress that I could wear. Seeing that the time was now five-ten, I started pulling clothes out looking. At last, I find a dress that would be perfect. It was a V-neck, knee-length dress that was black with gray in the middle. It also tied in the back with a silver and black belt.

Once I was dressed, I went into the bathroom to do my hair. I wasn't really sure what to do with it, so I curled loose curls into it first. Then I took the one side and swept it across to the other side and pinned it was a jeweled barrette so it looked like a side ponytail. After a few curl fixes and hair-spray, it looked pretty good. Realizing again that the time was now five forty five, not noticing how long my hair took, I put on my make-up and found my pair or strapy, black heels and put them on, and hurried downstairs. Just as I was getting my purse, the doorbell rang again. I quickly grabbed my coat and opened the door.

When I opened it, I see Paul standing there, mouth gapped open.

"What?" I asked wondering why he was looking at me so oddly.

"You look absolutely....gorgeous," Paul said with a smile growing on his face.

"Thanks, you look good too," I said liking his black dress pants and white button shirt. "So you ready to go?" Paul kissed my cheek, took my hand and nodded. "Yeah, lets go."

---XX---

Finally, after going to the church to go through the procession of the wedding ceremony, we headed down Paul's favorite fancy restaurant in town. We didn't have a big crowd with up (thank god), but it was still a nice group of people. These lovely people included: my parents, Paul's parents, Paul's brother Jack, my three brothers: Jake, Brad, and David, and of course CeeCee who brought (or should I say dragged) Adam. So I guess when you think about it, its a crowd but I didn't find it that big.

Once at the restaurant we asked for two tables of six and were taken back to be seated. After being given our menus, we picked a wine and food and the waitress left.

"So," my mom began, "Why did you pick this place to have the dinner?"

Paul looked at me and smiled, "It was the place I took her the night I proposed." He kissed my cheek and I smiled warmly.

My mom simply grinned and went back to talking to Paul's parents.

A few minutes later, the wine came and was poured into our glasses. When the waitress left, Jack clinked his water glass (his parents refused to let the waitress give him wine since he's only 14) with his spoon. "If you don't mind I'd like to say a few words to Paul and Suze." He smiled as us and I could feel my face as well as Paul's turn bright red.

"Anyway, I thought I'd just say that I'm siked for the both of you. I've obviously known Paul my entire life, but I only met Suze about six years ago. She was my sitter when we were staying here for the summer. She taught me how to swim and helped me through some _problems _I was having." He looked at me and I knew that he was talking about his mediator stuff. "She's awesome and I'm glad that she's marrying my brother. Uh....yeah that's it." Jack sat down, face for of embarrassment. I gave him a wink and he beamed at me.

After the everyone praised Jack for speaking, Brad cleared his throat. "Well if we're making speeches, I guess I'll do one since I'm the Best Man." Yeah of all people, Paul picks my most annoying brother Brad (or Dopey as I still call him) to be his Best Man. I would have rather him picked his own brother but I'm assuming his mom told him that Jack was still too young.

"Uh...." Brad began, "I don't know what I could possibly say to you guys. I don't know what Paul could possibly see in Suze," Andy, my step-dad, then hit Brad hard in the side making him wince. "Okay, okay... sorry...well then...congrats to Paul and Suze. Don't let her drive you insane." Everyone started laughing and I just glared at him. What an ass Brad is. You'd think that he would have matured after high school right? Well that didn't happen at all!

"Alright, alright," CeeCee started. "Its my turn...and you're lucky because I actually have something prepared." I rolled my eyes as Paul quietly laughed to himself. CeeCee would have a speech already prepared.

"Okay so," she began again. "Suze and I have been friends since our Sophmore year in high school. I've been there through her crazy times and her not so crazy times. I've seen her when she's happy and when she's down. And for a while she was not her bubbly self like everyone including me is used to."

I felt myself wince, knowing exactly what she was talkng about. After Jesse was gone I went through serious depression. I never left the house expect for school and I barely talked to anyone. No one knew what was wrong with me since no one knew about Jesse.

"And then," she continued. "Paul was able to help her during her depression. He brought her out of it." As she spoke my eyes filled with tears. "After the two started dating, I finally started to see the old Suze again...the one that was happy and full of life. She seemed okay again. So, "she continued. "I raise me glass here today to congratulate Paul and Suze. Paul, you gave Suze happiness, and I hope you continue to give her more. To Suze and Paul!"

"To Suze and Paul!," everyone chimed in and clinked glasses. Paul looked over at me and smiled at the tears in my eyes. "Are you okay?" he asked wiping the tears away with his thumb.

Truthfully though, I wasn't at all fine. CeeCee's speech had triggered the part in my heart that missed Jesse. Now, I miss him more than ever. No one knew what I went through after Jesse. Its true, I did go through the worst depression and I lost so much weight because I wasn't eating correctly. It still hurts everyday to think about those times and for a while I was able to block those days out. But, now everything is flooding back like a tidal wave.

"Yeah, "I whispered. "I'm okay. Her speech just....." I couldn't think of the right words. "Moved me. That's all." Paul kissed me lightly wrapped his arm around my shoulder. "Okay. Are you sure there's nothing else wrong? You went ridged there for a second."

I shook my head, "No nothing else is wrong." Paul nodded and started talking to his dad.

I turned to CeeCee, "Thanks CeeCee, that was really nice." CeeCee smiled, "You're welcome...I thought you'd like it. And as your Made of Honor its my job to give a tear- jerker of a speech." She then laughed at herself.

I gave her an extremely small smile and we all continued to talk and eat our dinner, but I couldn't even taste the food. The thoughts were implanted in my head and I couldn't think of anything else besides Jesse being gone.

---XX---

After dinner was over, we paid our bill and went out to the parking lot. Once everyone was gone Paul and I said our goodbyes. Since CeeCee's really into the whole 'groom can't see bribe before wedding' deal CeeCee is staying over my house, to make sure Paul doesn't come lurking.

"I Love you," Paul said as he pulled me into a hug and kissed my head.

"Love you, too. Are you ready for tomorrow?" He pulled away from the hug, but still kept hold of my hands and smiled at me.

"More than ever Suze. I can't wait to be married to you." He said as his lips brushed mine.

I pulled away and looked at him. "Promise me one thing though..."

He looked back at me confused. "What's that?"

"Don't leave me hanging at the altar. No matter how nervous you get." He laughed and kissed my forehead.

"I won't I love you too much." I smiled and kissed him once more before letting go and getting into CeeCee's car and driving home.

The drive was quiet, I think both CeeCee and myself were worn from so much wedding planning. Getting a wedding together all in one month is extremely difficult but thankfully we were able to manage.

"So," CeeCee began, "Are you excited for tomorrow?" Was a excited? Yeah I guess. Nervous? HELL YES! But of course if I told CeeCee that she'd ask all kinds of questions on whether I was doubting getting married.

"Yeah...I am. I love Paul and I know he loves me more than anything." I said looking out the car window.

"I still can't believe you're getting married! It still hasn't sunk in yet to me."

I smiled. "Yeah, me neither." We both laughed and talked about tomorrow the rest of the way home.

Once, we pulled into my driveway, I got out of the car and helped her with her things. I unlocked my front door and we went into my house. My house is a two bedroom so CeeCee had her own room to sleep in. Which in my opinion, if I didn't have that spare room and made her sleep on the couch she wouldn't be here right now.

"Well I'm going to bed," CeeCee said starting up the stairs. "Good night Suze! Sleep tight!"

"Good night CeeCee." I hung up my coat and put my purse on the coffee table and went up to my room.

After showering and changing out of my dress and into my PJ's I layed down and turned my light off. But I couldn't fall asleep. I felt exhausted but I just couldn't sleep. CeeCee's speech and old thoughts kept buzzing around in my head. Then I started thinking about the wedding. I never used to think I would marry Paul...I always saw myself with Jesse for the rest of my life. And now that I'm about to marry Paul, I can't help but think how things would be different if Jesse were still here. Now with all those thoughts in my head, I knew there was no way I'd sleep. I took the picture of Jesse out from under my pillow and looked at it. I never realized how much I missed him until I realized that he wasn't the one I was marrying. I started to then picture how our wedding would have looked.

Thinking of those thoughts made we smile and relaxed me and soon I was finally able to fall asleep.

**Wow, this chapter was long. Again I'm sorry it is this long but because the way I had it planned in my head I couldn't really separate any of this. Anyway, I hope you liked the chapter! Review and let me know what you thought.**


	8. The Morning Of

**Well, here's yet another chapter. I think some of you are going to like what might happen. Enjoy!**

"SUZE!" CeeCee screamed in my ear making me jump. "Today's the day Suze….get your ass up NOW!"

As CeeCee ran out of the room, I slowly rolled out of bed. I only got about three hours of sleep last night and having to wake up at nine when I only fell asleep at six isn't making me happy. I was up all night thinking about today, the future, the past… Jesse. The old memories kept droning in my head and fears about the future with Paul were also added to the bunch. Everything related to the future and Jesse kept my head buzzing and I finally fell asleep when I started thinking about how Jesse and my wedding would be like. Now, I'm too tired to even remember those thoughts.

After going into the bathroom, and washing my face with cold water, I put a pair of sweats on and wondered gradually down the stairs. When I entered the kitchen, I saw CeeCee, decked out in sweats as well with huge pink curlers in her hair, scurrying about with a coffee pot in her hand.

I walked over to the cabinet, grabbed two mugs, handed one to her and took the pot from her hands. After pouring the steaming coffee into my mug, I handed the pot back to her again. "Thank you," I said simply watching her pour coffee for herself. She immediately set the cup down on the table and hurriedly went to the fridge.

I sighed at the sight of this. "Would you please calm down a little, you're going to hyperventilate! Its only a little after nine, the ceremony doesn't start until till twelve and the hair dresser isn't coming until ten thirty." I sad still watching her rush to pour milk into her coffee and quickly put it back in the fridge. She then turned around, looked at me and sighed.

"Oh fine. I'll take it easy… for now anyway." She sat down at the table and took a long swig of her coffee.

I went back to the cabinet and pulled out two bowls and the cereal. I grabbed the milk from the fridge again and two spoons and set them on the table in front of me and CeeCee. As I poured cereal for myself, I glanced at CeeCee who was chugging her coffee. I pushed the other bowl and the cereal box in front of her. "Eat." I said when I caught her looking at the empty bowl.

She laughed a small laugh and poured herself a bowl of cereal with milk. We ate in silence for the most part. I continued to try to hold back a laugh watching CeeCee now downing her cereal and continuously kept glancing at her watch. I rolled my eyes at her and just sighed. I gave up.

"Okay, okay fine," I said sighing. "Let's get ready to go. We've wasted enough time."

I almost fell out of my chair seeing CeeCee jump from her seat making the whole table move. After clearing all the dishes and putting the cereal and milk back where they belong, I started to help CeeCee get everything together.

"Okay," she started. "Here's my dress," she said pointing to a large zip-up bag on the couch, "And I'm still finishing your veil. It was a bit winkled so I hung it up last night so I still have yet to get that. You have the shoes and hopefull your own dress upstairs right?" She looked at me nervously.

"Yup, I'll go get them now along with my makeup and we can go whenever you are ready." CeeCee nodded and went back to getting stuff situated.

Leaving CeeCee to her organizing, I went upstairs to my room and opened my closet. I never realized how much crap I had in it until now. "Okay, now where are the shoe boxes," I said to myself. I knelt down at the foot of the closet and began searching. After a few minutes picking my way through about 15 pairs of other shoes, I finally found what I was looking for. The shoes were in their boxes still in a bag in the far corner of my closet. After pulling those from their corner, I set the bag on my bed and pulled the shoes out to do a quick inspection. CeeCee's were a were a simple black two inch heel (she hates extremely high heels) with straps that cross over her foot and buckle on the side. Mine were a bit more fancier. They were a pair of 4-5 inch silver, glossy heels with straps that, with a sparkled gem look to them, went all over my foot and buckled in the back. After making sure that both shoes and had their mates and were not injured from sitting in my closet, I put them in their rightful boxes and back in the bag and turned back to my closet.

I moved all of my clothes over to one side of the closet and grabbed the thick, huge white bag that contained my gown. I hung the bag on my and slid the zipper down a tiny bit to observe my dress again. (I did that a lot but hey doesn't every bride). It's a Maggie Sottero A-line gown. It has a sweetheart neckline with beautiful embroidery and beading throughout the dress. It ties in a corset down the back and has a train as well. CeeCee helped me pick this and I think that its perfect and I love it! Smiling, I zipped the bag up again and went back to getting everything I needed. I went into the bathroom and started putting all the makeup I owned in a case. Once that was together, I slid the case into the bag with the shoes.

"Suze hurry! We have to get to the church, the hairstylist is coming to fix our hair at ten thirty and it ten to ten right now!" ceeCee screamed from the bottom of the stairs. The hairstylist that CeeCee hired to do our hair is a local who has been doing weddings and such for about 5 years. I've seen what she can do and she's pretty descent so I'm glad CeeCee hired her. I just hope she'll get it done in time since both CeeCee and I have long hair.

Quickly, I finished gathering everything together and hurried down the steps trying not to trip over the long bag containing my dress. "Okay," I said when I reached the bottom of the steps, "Let's go!"

CeeCee came walking to the door from the living room with her dress bag in her hand, and another bag that contained I was guessing my veil and some other stuff that I didn't know what, in the other hand. We walked out to her car being careful not to let the bags trail on the ground. After putting the normal sized things in her backseat, CeeCee opened her trunk and we carefully laid our dresses within it.

After getting in the car, CeeCee put the keys in the ignition and turned to look at me. "Are you ready to get married?"

I looked back at her and a nervous laugh escaped from my lips. "I guess so...yes." I said as CeeCee laughed and pulled out of my driveway.

The car ride to the church was mostly silent. I was in deep thought about today and the more I thought about being married to Paul, the more nervous I became. I didn't know why I felt this way. I mean, I love Paul...I really do. But, I don't know why I'm starting to doubt. In the end, I concluded that it was just cold feet and shook it off. CeeCee then broke the silence.

"So... what's going on for your wedding night?" she asked. I looked over at her and saw that she was trying with all her might to hold back a laugh at her own question.

"Um," I started, "We are dropping this subject right now. I refuse to talk about that. You'll be told...after... it happens." CeeCee then let out her held laugh. I looked at her again and rolled my eyes as I started laughing myself.

"God Suze, I was only kidding. I was trying to get your attention; you were so deep in thought." We both started laughing again.

We talked about today the rest of the way to the church, my nervousness slowly decreasing. Finally, we reached our destination. Junipero Serra church/school, the place where I went to high school and where 'it' happened with Jesse. As I got out of the car, my eyes immediately go to the cemetery. If CeeCee wasn't with me, I would go and get one look at his grave. But I fought with my heart and went to help CeeCee unload our dresses from the trunk. Once we had everything, we walked towards the church. As soon as we entered, we were greeted by Father Dominic or Fr. D as I still call him.

"Susannah!" he walked over to be and gave me a grandfather-like hug. "Are you ready for today?"

God, why do I keep getting asked that, its getting a tad bit annoying. "Yup," I answered, "I am."

"Very good," Fr. D said giving me a warm smile. "Well, the bridal room is back this way. The hair person is here and starting to set up her stuff so if you two ladies want to follow me..." Fr. D started leading the way to the back area of the church. The room where we were to get ready wasn't real big but it was just right to put everything in and still have a space to move around. There was a vanity on one side of the room so we could sit and do hair and makeup. On the other side there was a full length mirror. There were also a few other chairs and another small table scattered around the room as well. "Thank you," I said to Fr. D who gave a warm smile and left the room so we could get ready. After setting everything down and hanging our dresses up, CeeCee and I wanted to see the church. When we walked into it, I couldn't believe what I saw. All over, were the purple orchids I wanted. They were on the alter and some on the ends of the pews. It was so beautiful and I was happy that I went with the orchids. CeeCee went to check to make sure the bouquets were here as well, I continued to look about, amazed how lovely the orchids made the church.

About a minute later CeeCee came back to me holding boxes. "These are the bouquets for us and the tulip boutineers for the guys. I'm giving these to Fr. Dominic to give to Paul since he can't see you until you reach that alter," she said handing me the boxes that held our bouquets. "You can take those back to our room and I'll meet you there." CeeCee then walked back into the church lobby in search for Fr. D. Once I was back in the room, I carefully opened the box that contained my bouquet, eagerly wanting to see it. When the lid was off the box I was able to see the loveliness of it. It was a beautifully made bouquet of purple orchids, just like I wanted. I opened CeeCee's to see a bunch of lavender tulips made into a bouquet like she requested. After putting the lids back on the boxes so the flowers wouldn't get ruined, I went over to the vanity where the hairstylist was finishing setting up her work station.

"Hi, I'm Lila. You're Maid of Honor hired me to do your hair for today," said cheerfully. I smiled and introduced myself. When she had asked if I wanted anything done in particular, I had told that she could do whatever she thought would look good as long as it was down and not all put up. "Sounds good to me," she said, "I have just the style in mind that will be perfect. If you have a veil I can put that in too when I'm finished." I pointed towards the bag sitting on the small table and Lila reached in and took out the veil and hung it across the mirror of the vanity and then started doing my hair. First she began to curl it I saw, which I was happy with. Then after she finished curling it, which took about a half hour, she told me to shut my eyes until she was finished. After about ten to fifteen minutes later, she was done. "Okay, you may look now."

When I opened my eyes, I instantly loved it. She had curled it into very elegant, loose curls. Then she pulled some of it back into a slight poof and inserted the veil. She also added a lovely vined, silver tiara in the front. It was beautiful. "Where did the tiara come from?" I had asked her not remembering ever getting one.

"It was in the bad with the veil," she said smiling. CeeCee must have gotten it for me. I smiled at Lila.

"Thank you very much Lila. It looks perfect," I said giving her a smile. At that moment CeeCee entered the room. At the sight of my hair, she began to grin.

"Lila, you did an excellent job. And I see you found the tiara I got her." CeeCee said as Lila nodded.

"Well I'm glad you both approve of my work," she said smiling. "So CeeCee, what am I doing with your hair?" Lila asked as CeeCee sat in a different chair that she put in front of the full length mirror so I could do my make-up at the vanity. I silently applied the simple make- up I had as CeeCee and Lila were chatted as Lila played with CeeCee's now extremely curly hair from the curlers trying to put it up in some type of elegant looking style. Finally she was finished with her creation just as I was finishing putting on the last touches of make-up.

"Suze what do you think?" CeeCee said turning around to face me. Lila had put the CeeCee's hair into a curled bun with a strand of curls loosely hanging on either side of her face. It looked very good on CeeCee and shaped her face well.

"I like it. Thank you Lila you did an amazing job!" I said shaking Lila's handed and giving her a friendly hug. Lila returned the hug and smiled back at me.

"Your very welcome Suze. I hope your wedding goes wonderfully. And Congratulations." I smiled once more and told her that she could send me what we owed her through the mail. After she packed all her stuff and left, CeeCee shut the door to the room and turned back to me."Okay lets start getting dressed," she said starting to unzipper for dress bag. Since her mae-up was already done she didn't need to worry about it, which saved us some time. Her dress was very easy to put on so I insisted that we start with her first. Once she had it carefully pulled over her head (successfully keeping her hair perfect), she slid on her black heels and turned to me so I could inspect her. I picked CeeCee's dress out myself with her in mind. Its ordered from Alfred Angelo Bridal. Its a lavender princess cut dress with spaghetti straps and a black ribbon around the waistline that ties into a off-to-the-side bow in the front and hangs down to the bottom of the dress. Its very simple but I knew it was fit CeeCee's taste quite well.

"You look perfect CeeCee. I told you the dress would be amazing!" I said as CeeCee turned to look at herself in the mirror.

"Yeah," see said, "I do look pretty damn hot." I laughed as she did a few turns in front of the mirror before looking at me gain. "Okay now on to you."

I unzipped my bag and carefully pulled out my beautiful dress. I untied the corset in the back and CeeCee helped me into it. After she finished re-tying the corset, I lifted the bottom of my dress so CeeCee could slide my shoes on. Once they were buckled properly, she backed away and looked me up and down.

"Suze," she sighed, "You look absolutely amazing!" She said.

I smiled and looked at my reflection in the full length. I did look great. "Thanks. Hey is anyone here yet?"

"Yeah," CeeCee stated. "Your mom and Andy arrived with your brothers just before I came in here earlier and I believe Paul and his family are now here too. I don't know about any of the other guests yet though."

"Okay, well we still have some time. You can go out and greet everyone if you want." CeeCee just looked at me.

"Do you want me to get your mom? I'm sure she would like to see you." CeeCee suggested.

I shook my head at the suggestion. "No. I want them to be surprised. But really, go ahead and see everyone. I want some time to myself for a while...if that's okay with you."

CeeCee simply smiled and gave me a careful hug. "Of course. I'll be back in soon. You do look lovely Suze. I'm sure you'll take Paul's breath away." She said as she left the room and closed the door after her leaving me by myself.

I walked back over to the vanity and carefully, not wanting to ruin the dress, sat down in the chair and stared at my reflection once again. I couldn't believe what was about to happen. Years ago, I thought that the day I'd put on a wedding dress and walk down the aisle, I'd see Jesse at the end...not Paul. I smiled softly again thinking of Jesse. I bet Jesse was looking down at me right now. I looked up and said to myself, "Jesse, I know, would think I look beautiful."

"Of course querida no question." said a very familiar voice behind me.

I quickly turned around in the chair and was instantly brought to tears.

**I bet you can guess who came back! LOL anyway on my profile, I have links to the pictures of Suze's dress and tiara as well as CeeCee's dress. I hope you enjoyed the chapter. I think there will be one more after this. Review and let me know what you thought! =)**


	9. Unexpected Guest

**Hey Everyone! Sorry that it took so long for this chapter but writer's block took me over again. But its here now! I hope you like it**

I couldn't believe it. I was unable to speak. He was here staring at me with that look that I had fallen in love with so many years ago. I couldn't produce anything except tears… and I smile.

"Jesse," I said in barely a whisper. He smiled at me and I cracked. I shot from my seat in front of the vanity and ran to his arms. He wrapped his securely around me and I cried into his shoulder…my make-up descending from my face with my tears as they soaked his shirt.

"Susannah," he said softly. I pulled away from him and cupped my hands onto his face and drank in what I had been missing so very much the past six years. He still looked the same as he did then…extremely the same. He's still in his ghostly manner, but I didn't care. He still had the same dreamy eyes and that beautiful mysterious smile that I love. But there was one thing that I was still confused about.

"Jesse, how are you here? I mean when I left you...up there- you...I mean you were..." but Jesse took my hands in his and his gaze met my anxious one.

"I... I don't really know. One minute I was watching you get ready and I was wishing how I could have been here with you and the next thing I know I'm standing in the lobby with your guests. I was afraid that Paul or Jack or even Fr. Dominic would see me but they couldn't. The next thing I know, is that I'm standing in this room with you listening to you talk to yourself." I stared at his eyes. They were full of the same confusion as mine.

He then smiled at me and carefully pulled me to him again, "You do look beautiful Susannah." I smiled against his shoulder, but I was soon brought to tears again.

"I don't understand how this happened Jesse, but I know one thing..." I said.

"What's that Susannah?" He whispered making my heart flutter.

I pulled out of the hug and looked at him. "I'm so unbelievably glad that you're here." He smiled at me and stroked my cheek and noticed the tears.

"Susannah, what is it?" He asked me, concern filling his voice.

"Its just," I started, looking everywhere but him. "I just wish that I was marrying you. I mean I love Paul; he was there for me after you...but you never let my heart. And throughout this whole engagement I've been thinking of you constantly. Now that you're here..." I couldn't finish the sentence. Was I really about to cancel my wedding because Jesse strangely shows up out of no where?

"Querida, look at me." I slowly looked into his lovely eyes as he wiped my tears with his thumb. "I don't know how long I've got here. I may only have ten minutes maybe an hour who knows. But I do know on thing for certain." He continued to stare at me, gaze full of sincere. "You are going to walk down that aisle and marry Paul. I know you love me, I love you too with all my heart, but if you really care for me, you have to continue you're life. Please."

As we continued to look at each other, I knew he was right. Jesse's my soulmate, but he's not alive...Paul is. And despite Paul's ways in the past, he's been good to me and he's brought the happiness back in me that I thought had disappeared for good.

I sighed heavily, sniffled back tears, and nodded; surrendering. "Okay, I'll do it... for you," he smiled a sad, painful smile at me and I put my hand on his cheek. "But now, I ask a few things from you."

Jesse nodded quickly, "Anything querida. Whatever I'm able to do for you."

I smiled through my tears, "Well none of the other mediators in this church can see you right?" He nodded not knowing where I was going with this. "Then, I want you to walk me down the aisle. I was going at it alone anyway and since no one can see you..."

Jesse sighed and smiled. "Of course querida. And what's the other thing you wished for?"

I looked down at my feet and then straight into his eyes and took his hands in mine again. "I want you to kiss me...one last time." Jesse looked at me and stepped away from me and out of my grasp, shaking his head. "Susannah... I can't."

"Please...Jesse, that's only other thing I'm asking." I looked at him again, my mind doubtful that he would do it. I know he feels it isn't right because I'm marrying another. But, at this point I don't care anymore. I just want to feel his lips on mine before he leaves me again.

But, I guess Jesse changed his mind rapidly. The next thing I know is that he's pulling me toward him and his lips desprately press against mine. His arms wrapped tightly but gently around my waste pulling me closer to him. My arms slide up to his neck and I try to pull him even closer. The way his lips felt on mine, the way our bodys fit perfect together; this is how I wish my life would have been. But it can't and I know that. So this time I have with Jesse I can't lose any moment with him if this is my last.

After, for what seemed like forever and nothing at the same time, we grudgingly break apart. His hands cup my cheeks and my hands glide down to his chest. He gaze looks deeply, lovingly into mine.

"Thank you," I whispered. He produced a small smile and stroked my cheek, saying nothing; trying to make the moment last a little longer. But unfortunately the moment was interrupted by a knock on the door.

"Suze, its CeeCee. Are you ready its almost time." I looked to Jesse not knowing if I was anymore. He just simply nodded and I knew my answer.

"Yeah," I said trying to rid the shakiness from my voice. "I'll be out in two minutes. I just need to touch up my makeup once more."

After hearing CeeCee's footsteps fade, I turned back to Jesse. He smiled and I returned a smile as well as I sat back at the vanity and cleared away the mascara stains that streaked my cheeks, and re-appiled my make-up carefully. When I was done I checked to make sure that there was absolutely no sign on my face that said I had been crying. When I saw that there wasn't I stood and turned back to Jesse.

I took my bouquet from its box linked my arm with Jesse's. "Lets do this," I said as Jesse smiled. As he was about to open the door for me, he turned back with a vast smile on his face. "Are those orchids in your bouquet?" I let out a small laugh as he led me out of the room.

-XX-

Getting ready to walk down the aisle was probably one the most scariest moments of my life. Having everyone watch you and all the attention put on you...was not really to my liking. But, I've found that with Jesse by my side, made it a little easier. Before CeeCee was to go to the alter, she gave me a quick squeeze, "Good luck! And you really are going to take Paul's breath away. You look absolutely stunning." She smiled then and left to go down the aisle.

My heart felt like it was going to leave my chest then. As soon as I felt that I was for sure going to faint, Jesse gave my hand a gentle clutch. "CeeCee's right you know."

I turned to Jesse, "What do you mean?"

Jesse simply smiled and kissed my cheek, "You do look absolutely beautiful. I don't know about Paul, but you definitely take my breath away."

I fought back tears as I returned a kiss to Jesse's cheek, "Thank you," I whispered softly. Jesse's smile increased and he held out his left arm, "Its time. Are you ready querida?"

I let out a huge sigh, linked my right arm in his left, and nodded, "Yes."

**Sorry this chapter was so short. I wanted this chapter specifically to be about Jesse and Suze. I hope it was okay. The next chapter I think will be the last. Review and tell me your toughts! **


	10. Letting Her Go

**Well here's the next chapter. and SURPRISE! This isn't the last chapter. While trying to write the last chapter I had an idea to write a small chapter in Jesse's POV. I hope you like it, its short i hope you don't mind.**

JESSE'S POV

I had a different idea of Susannah's wedding. In this dream, Susannah was my fiancé…not Paul's. I would be standing up there at the altar with her reciting vows of love and promising to love her all the days of my life. I would be placing a ring onto her left ring finger and she mine. I would get to kiss my new wife in front of everyone that loves Susannah and hear Fr. Dominic pronounce us man and wife. We would leave the church together and live happily until the day we die.

But now… that will only be a dream that will never come true…..and it hurts to know that.

As the ceremony proceeds, I stand towards the back of the church. I know that no one can see me, but I'm still afraid Fr. Dominic or Paul, especially Paul, will see me. While Fr. Dominic is speaking, Paul continues to look pale and nervous like he's afraid he'll forget to do something; I laugh at that. Susannah on the other hand, persists to look over in my direction, as if afraid I'm going to disappear and leave her. To tell you the truth, I am, too. I'm not ready to let her go; I wasn't from the beginning and seeing her with Paul has been the hardest thing for me. For the past six years, I've watched over her hoping she's safe and always wishing that I could have what is now Pauls.

Walking Susannah down the aisle was the only part of my dream that came true, except that instead of walking away as man and wife, I'm walking her to the person who is taking her away from me. But, then seeing her up at the altar with Paul, speaking her vows and promising to love him... it feels like someone has drilled a hole through my heart. I know, though, that its the right thing to do. I, unlike Paul, can't be there when Susannah would need me. I can't raise a family with her, or grow old with her. The only thing I can do is love her with all my heart and soul from far away.

Fr. Dominic is now towards the end of the ceremony. He's turns to Paul.

"Paul," he begins, "Do you take this woman to be your wife? To love and hold in sickness and in health until death parts you?"

Paul lets out and shaky sigh and smiles looking at Susannah with loving yet still somewhat nervous eyes, "I do."

Susannah, I could see, had let a few tears fall but she smiled through them as Fr. Dominic continued.

"Susannah, do you take this man to be your husband? To love and hold in sickness and in health until death parts you?"

Susannah stayed silent and continued to look at Paul with a nervous look now matching his; almost like she couldn't decide what to say. She then glances over to me, wanting me to decide for her. I really wanted to tell her 'no' and to just leave Paul there, but I couldn't do that. I love Susannah too much to cost her losing someone that loves her and actually can be there for her and love her. I gave her a small smile and a nod, remembering what I had told her earlier. She remembered too, and slowly turned away from me.

Susannah then faced Paul and smiled at him as she whispered, "I do."

Paul looked like he let out a sigh of relief and both now had tears falling from their eyes. I didn't realize until then, that my face was moist with tears as well. I really didn't think it was going to be this hard to watch Susannah marry Paul. But hearing her say those two little words, 'I do' really breaks my heart, knowing that I can never be hers, when that's all I ever wanted. As I wipe the tears with the sleeve of my shirt, Fr. Dominic concludes the ceremony.

"Then, by the power vested in me, I pronounce you husband and wife. Paul you may kiss your bride," Fr. Dominic said as Paul leaned in and kissed Susannah with passion as their friends and family burst into applaud. I couldn't even look them... it kills me to see her kiss Paul but I know that Susannah will be happy and have a good life with him. And that's all that matters.

As Paul and Susannah proceed back up the aisle to leave the church and go to their reception, Susannah looks over to me with pleading eyes. I wasn't sure how much time I had left but I nodded back to her telling her that I'd be at her reception. She smiled and left the church with Paul and their guests.

When everyone was gone and I started to leave the church and follow the cars, I noticed that I was starting to fade. But, I wasn't leaving without last goodbye from Susannah...I'd make sure of that.

**I hoped you liked it. Sorry if i continuously called Suze Susannah. But in the books Jesse always called her by her full name so i thought i'd stay true to that. review and tell me your thoughts. the last chapter is next! =(**


	11. A Loss and A Gain

**Well, here's the last chapter everyone! I really enjoyed writing this story and thank you to all that have followed it! Enjoy... oh and its now back to Suze's POV**

As Paul and I were waiting in the backroom of the ballroom to be announced, I couldn't help but feel different. I still couldn't grasp the fact that I had just gotten married. It hadn't changed me much. I was still the same Suze who was a Mediator, I just had a different last name. But for some reason, I felt like I had a complete makeover and I was a totally different person. In a way, I kind of liked it... it felt like I was starting over. Finally, Paul and I hear the DJ, "And now, I would like to introduce to you for the first time...Mr. and Mrs. Paul and Sussanah Slater!"

Paul looked at me and smiled, "Are you ready?" I softly kissed his lips, returning the smile and replied, "Let's do this"

As we entered the ballroom, we were immediately greeted with applause, but my mind was suddenly somewhere else. Jesse. My life may be changing, but, he's one thing I'm not ready to let go of yet. As Paul and I start walking towards our guests, I scan the every inch of the ballroom looking for Jesse, hoping to god that he's not left me yet.

After a few minutes of being congradulated and making our way across the floor, I finally let out a sigh of relief after spotting him in by a far corner window away from everyone. Our eyes connected and he gave me a small smile, his face reading both sadness and pain. I wanted to talk to him. I quickly then turned to Paul.

"Hey do you mind if I go find CeeCee? I have to thank her for pulling all of this together," I said, speaking the first things that came to my head and hoping Paul wasn't suspecting anything weird. But, to my relief, he simply nodded and and squeezed my hand, "Okay, just don't leave me he alone too long. I can't deal with some of my relatives on my own," I laughed as he lightly brushed my lips with his.

"I promise, I'll be back in a few minutes," I said smiling as I turned and started over in Jesse's direction.

As I approached him, Jesse took my hand and lead me out onto the balcony of the ballroom. After Jesse shut the door behind us, I rapidly flung my arms around his neck and held tight. His arm snaked around my waist as he buried his face into my shoulder. We stayed that way for a while taking in each other's presence, trying to savor this moment.

Too quickly though, did he then pull away. He took hold of my hands in his as he brought them to his lips and kissed them.

"I still love you, I always will," was all he said, and my tears came harder. I couldn't let him leave me again. I may be married to Paul now but I still needed Jesse. I needed him to fill the lasting hole that was in my chest.

I released one of my hands that was in his and caressed his face, "I know, I always will, too," I barely whispered over my tears. Jesse leaned in against my touch and gently kissed my forehead and connected his to mine. His eyes were full of tears as well. I didn't want to this to go away. I wanted to always hear him call me 'querida', I wanted to always feel his touch, his kiss...his existance. But, I know that I can't, and as hard as it's going to be...I'm going to accept that. I pulled him to me again. Only this time I could barely feel his arms around me. He was fading from me.

"You're always in my heart querida. Go... live your life...full and happy. I promise we'll see each other again someday," he said pulling out of the hug from which I couldn't even feel now. I looked into eyes once more as he gave me a small wave and left me, continuing to fade as he walked away from me until me was completely gone. I couldn't move. For support, I leaned against the railing of the balcony and let my tears fall for another minute before I finally was able to control them. Finally, after the tears stopped flowing, I cleared the mascara stains from my face with my hand and walked back into the ballroom, only to run right into CeeCee.

"Suze, I was looking for you, are you okay?" she said her voice full of concern.

I looked back at her and smiled "Yeah I am now. I just needed some air," I said pulling her into a hug. She was shocked at first but then returned the hug.

"What's this for?" she asked with laughter in her voice. I pulled away and smiled at her once again.

"Its a thank you for helping me throw this whole wedding together in a month," I said and she returned my smile. She started to say something when the DJ came back onto the microphone

"Its time for the bride and grooms first dance..." I looked back over to CeeCee who just smiled and escorted me over to the dance floor where Paul was waiting for me. He smiled, kissed me, and pulled me into his arms as the song began to play.

_I trust you with my tears_  
_And my secrets never told_  
_I trust you with my hopes and fears_  
_And this hand to hold_  
_I know you'll be true to me_  
_Everywhere we are_  
_In a world filled with uncertainty_  
_I trust you_  
_I trust you with my heart_

As we continued to dance, Paul leaned down to me, "I love you Suze," he whispered as he held me closer. I looked up to him and smiled.

"I love you too. And thank you for being here for me...through everything," I said as he replied with a gentle smile and brushed his lips with mine again.

"Of course Suze, you're my everything...you always have been," I smiled and nestled my head into his chest. We continued to dance other family members began dancing as well. Suddenly, we heard CeeCee's squeaky yell.

"Brad, stop grabbing my ass and dance with me the normal way or I swear I'm going to hurt you," she shrieked at Brad who continuously was moving he hand from her back to her behind. I looked at Paul and we both started laughing as we continued dancing.

_I've been holding back so long_  
_Afraid to give it all_  
_Lookin for a place to land_  
_Trying not to fall_  
_Showing me how to give_  
_Let me take the time_  
_Wishing somehow we'll just know_  
_When its time to fight_

_I trust you with my tears_  
_and my secrets never told_  
_I trust you with my hopes and fears_  
_And this hand I hold_  
_I know you'll be true to me_  
_Everywhere we are_  
_In a world filled with uncertainty_  
_I trust you_  
_I trust you with my heart_

As Paul and I danced I couldn't help but think about what's happened in the past six years. When I lost Jesse, I thought that my life was over...I didn't think that I would ever feel alive again. But when Paul came to comfort me, I started to feel right again. And now being here in his arms dancing with him and knowing that he'll love me for the rest of my life, I know I can live happy...I can live whole. Even though I know I'll live happy with Paul and always have someone there for me; deep down I will still always love Jesse.

**Well that's the end! I hope you all liked it! Again thank you for reading my story and putting up with my not updating quickly! **

**Also...the song in this chapter that Paul and Suze danced to is called I Trust You by Cassie Steele, if you want to hear the full song =DD**


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